Testicular Iodine Injections

Whoever thought it was a good idea to put these three in contact should be tied up, beaten, and hurled into the nearby Quantapoosit river. This episode’s intelligent and valuable discussion is birthed feet-first when Dr. Josh demonstrated his otherworldly knowledge of reptilian grifters, alien parasites, and television preachers. They are all pretty much the same thing and have large, disingenuous plans for Earth. Also, Is Dr. Chris an alien? It may explain a few things.

Dr. Tom provides an update on the ongoing construction of his own nation, including a few hiccups with codifying law and quantifying the variables of intrinsic value for each of his citizens. Who has the most value? And how many should be stoned to death? Should we create a betting pool?

In Dr. Josh’s cryptic sphere, he again violates his self-made oath of ‘no more dick experiments’ and goes balls-deep into do-it-yourself urology. He learns, unfortunately, that superhero physics do not apply to dicks, and his experiments in genital irradiation only cause terminal issues that even Johns Hopkins can’t remedy.

Dr. Josh is then submitted to a grueling round of uncomfortable probing regarding his past as an intergalactic talent manager. But just like before, nothing is really revealed beyond Dr. Chris’s love of the Tascam DR-05 and Dr. Tom’s dogshit listening skills. Frankly, we ended up learning more about space Mormons than we did about Dr. Josh and his encounter with the Kolonskians… whatever those things are. But to everyone’s surprise, there is revealed to be more ‘found footage’ of Dr. Josh’s half-Asian quarry, Scooter Lee-McRascal, and evidence of his downward slide into depression, depravity, and drinking moonshine at Walmart. Another earworm infection advisory will be in effect until the end of the episode. You’ve been warned.

The show ends with another round of ‘Which is Worse?’. From it, we learn that Tinder might be full of cannibals, Josh might be a secret cannibal, and Chris might be cannibalism-curious. But the most important takeaway of them all? Stay off of Tinder.

Another match made in malpractice is born!


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“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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Aural Malpractice Episode 0013: Testicular Iodine Injections

DRACULA’S A ASSHOLE

You know a show is off to a great start when the word ‘Hitler’ is said seven times in one minute by three different idiots. It might be a little hard to take but if you angle it just right, it hits the prostate and then starts to feel good anyway. Dr. Tom takes his first ethically questionable steps towards establishing his own sovereign nation, and Dr. Josh provides some even more ethically questionable advice in the interest of command and control. Whatever the outcome may be of this undertaking, Dr. Chris is prepping his lead-lined bunker. Just in case.

Then, after a long discussion of how to retroactively stop Hitler and keep him away from honorary degrees and nuclear weapons, Dr. Tom feeds the braindead audience and keeps them on track by whipping up the entire show in one easy-to-swallow load. Following that up, the doctors go back to the swamp of despair that is their audience Q+A for a few rounds of sheer disappointment. Interestingly, Dr. Josh knows a lot about the dump and seems suspiciously proud of it.

And finally, after all these months of waiting, Dr. Josh finally reveals just what it was he was doing for the past 6 years. And what was that about those aliens he spoke of before? Now it’s time to find out the answers to absolutely everything with no tangents, oversharing, or deliberate cliffhangers whatsoever! Not to give away too much regarding his amazing journey (Just listen for yourself!),we will only say that feelings were hurt, dreams were shattered, and many, many fluids were simultaneously excreted.

Thank you for your injection, Dr. Josh! We’ve never been more proud to be the second-hand fleshlight of audio entertainment!*


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*The character “Tammy” was involuntarily voiced by the talented Dorothy Jean Thompson. In otherwords, we used recordings she made available on FreeSound.org. More of Dorothy’s work can be found on her website and sound cloud page (linked below). In no way does she endorse this podcast. For her sake, we hope she isn’t aware of our existence. Dorothy, if you stumble upon this page, we’re sorry we dragged you into this.

NOT FOR THE LIVING

The doctors are back to criticize the voluptuousness of your pants. Turn your head and cough, but try not to choke unless you really want to.

This show opens positively with notions of resolutions, self-improvement, and the new year that began a third of a year ago. Dr. Tom shares the enthusiasm and wonderment of being voluntarily abducted and deposited into a cultural re-education camp filled with valuable, enriching experiences such as mining for coal, circumcision, severing fingers, and more circumcision. But it’s all valuable because it’s different.

Then Dr. Chris gets a steaming load off his chest after learning that instructional cooking on the internet is really just self-promoting, misleading bullshit with little to no value for a neophyte learning the culinary ropes. That and there isn’t even any nudity involved. Spurred by his passionate, fiery speech, Dr. Josh shares a few ideas in solidarity, formulating an idea for a new cooking show that’s sure to give these click-baity, uppity Karens just what they deserve.

And in an unending mission to overwhelm with variety, we start up a new listener Q+A segment to find out what gapes YOUR intellectual buttholes and answer all sorts of questions related to popping pimples, popping erections, and popping holes in the space-time continuum.

Closing out the show, Dr. Chris reveals he’s received a piece of mail from none other than Dr. Jacoby, but since he wouldn’t disclose just what the message said in front of his loyal listeners, something might be rotten in Denmark. Consider our intellectual buttholes gaped in our soft, voluptuous pants… and Squizzfingers on high alert.

Submit Your Questions to the Doctors Here

Click Here to Overwhelm Your Significant Other with Dildo Variety

Garbage Uppity Karen Cooking Site

“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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Aural Malpractice Episode 0011: Not For The Living

The Physical Sensation of Being Covered in Ass

The doctors return for another 9th dimensional mind meld and found yet another way to bore miles beneath the rock-bottom of what is comedy and what is just a salty biproduct. The other two doctors attempt to cure Dr Josh’s depression over his latest obsession, which haunts him throughout the episode. Dr Chris tries to get to the bottom of it through penetrating questions and doctor Tom did his part by just being really drunk. After that comes a brief analysis of the post-mortem effects of Dr. Josh’s possession by Hilda, the Nasty Bitch of Transylvantalyst. It seems like he’s going to be fine, even though his intellectual butthole seems to be getting more attention than it should.

Once in full gear, Dr Josh introduces a new segment to the show that really swings between its intro and outro. We aren’t going to give away too much regarding the 3 meters of turgid content he provides, but we nonetheless hope you have an empty soda bottle or ten in order to handle its salty biproduct.

In a miraculously to-the-point segment of ‘which is worse’, the Dr. Chris and Dr. Josh keep things classy and scientific with a very poignant discussion on statistics, pressure distribution, fluid mechanics, human biology, bodily excretions, and salty biproducts. Science prevails once again!

*Dr. Tom has been appropriately disciplined and re-educated concerning his choice of advertisers and controls have been properly implemented to keep him from ever again doing whatever the hell it was he did in this episode. We think.

“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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Hilda the Nasty Bitch

Curing your hiccups with scares, the doctors are back for their first-ever Halloween Special. This episode is so spooky that you may secrete your viscous terasoul in sheer terror!

Dr Josh alleviates his boredom by taking Dr. Chris And Dr. Tom on a morbid journey into his own imminent death, where he experiments with sample readings for the eulogy of his inevitable funeral. Taking to heart the notion that nobody is quite sure where their future may take them, the possibilities are pretty much endless, but we’re mostly sure it will include some BDSM, a meth habit, and a dubious cult following.

In other shocking moments, Dr Tom’s 3rd clone finally discovered what happened to Dr Tom’s 2nd clone. Not to anyone’s surprise, science went wrong and another clone died. A creepy tale unfolds throughout the episode as the audio logs recorded of Dr. Tom’s 2nd clone’s final moments are dispersed throughout.

Later in the episode, Dr. Josh plunges taint-first into the occult as he channels the spirit of an ancient witch who turns an old segment upside-down for the ‘Witch’s Worst’. There is horror, pain, suffering, pontificating, and uncontrollable lactation. And the summoning process doesn’t seem so great either. Dr. Josh is reamed multiple times.

“Always follow your heart. And keep on doing what you love.” -Dr. Josh on meth

“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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No More Dick Experiments

In a valiant effort to keep this yellowy snowball snowballing, the doctors are back for more mania, hysteria, and hyperblia. All of those are words. True to their principles, they begin their malarkey with more speculation and analysis of Dr. Tom’s claims and allegations. Things really aren’t adding up, and there is a divide-by-zero error somewhere in the flavor of clone jelly and arm sweat. It’s probably all the trilling.

Later, Gorilla Glue returns with a humble bow, and tries to redeem itself as an influential entity of masculine health in light of its previous attempt at your average dick hack infotainment. They create yet more advertising space while trying to turn their brand toward a more constructive form of development and not just covering your dick with caustic glue because something something glue dick. For this, we applaud them. Good job!

In light of all the things above, the doctors form a sort-of-binding covenant: no more dick experiments. We will be counting the seconds until this pact is broken.

Dr. josh is hung like cheese. Brie, yak, cheddar, parmesan. Your mileage may vary. This may or may not have anything to do with the podcast.

Dr. Chris reads a cryptic message from a fan. Whatever the outcome, it’s probably fine because the fan was really hot. Like… super hot. Like if Christina Hendricks had a baby with a man who looked exactly like her… wait a minute…

After years of hiding from Chris Hansen, Dr. Jacoby returns to give more interesting historical lessons to the children who listen to our show. Blame the parents. We do. Also, it’s been a long time since he’s reared his head, and we can’t be sure of the legality of his proclivities.

And descending into ‘which is worse’, we learn about pink milk, platelets, and patience.

Aural Malpractice: it’s mostly just cans!

“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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Aural Malpractice Episode 0008: No More Dick Experiments

 

Olympic Snowballing

Just in time for the beginning of pudding season, the doctors return to fleck your walls with every known variety of animal excretion, along with a few newly discovered ones. After opening the show with a modest revision of the English Language, it’s straight to serious discussion about hard-hitting issues, like snowballing at the bank, and other actual winter sports, like the kind you practice via dry friction with a broom.

Then we praise Dr. Chris for his professional, take-charge attitude as he has awarded the doctors with yet another great sponsor, and he is personally requested to pitch a new advertising idea for their product. The only catch is they are requesting Dr. Chris read it personally, and nobody has had the chance to preview it yet.. so the ad read is as cold and live as a reptile. But if they keep the ad, they get the cash. Will they or won’t they?

Dr. Chris then uproots evidence of intellectual theft from none other than the History Channel, discovering not only stolen ideas in one of their latest shows, but stolen audio clips as well. A lawsuit may be in the works.

The doctors then pull a complete Frankenstein with a mashup of some of their favorite movies. But just like the 100% true historical account of the monster itself, they played God, and things got out of hand. Chainsaw decapitations and gay Hitlers abound! Additionally, SOME trains may have been harmed in the making of this disaster. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.

In the end, there is another segment of ‘Which is Worse’ that will have you shoving a dead body up an elephant’s ass while you shit uncontrollably. Science is crude and it pulls no punches. Don’t fuck a monkey or a gorilla.

“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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The post Olympic Snowballing first appeared on Aural Malpractice.

Mailbox Yeast Infection

The doctors have returned from their self-imposed sabbaticals (For Dr. Chris anyways) and you know what that means! New rectal examination tools! New rectal examination techniques! New prescription medications to treat the side effects of rectal exams! Uncomfortable probing and immature adult comedy in all the worst places!

After recounting tales of their individual absences, intentional or otherwise, Dr. Josh reinvigorates the awkward conversation and PROBES his captive audience with some potentially new jingles and ideas. Dr. Josh honors our quest to find exciting and innovative uses for Pyrex storage containers, and then we roll into some difficult decisions in a few ‘which is worse’ segments that will have you testing the pH balance of your mailbox, probably with a creative combination of adhesives, dildos, and horse medicine. Dr. Chris even shares one of the X number of times his crapped his pants while driving, leaving him with only X-1 left to share in the future. We aren’t sure who emptied the asylum, but they are probably stuck to Glue Baby, and paralyzed in fear (and glue) as Squizfingers does his… thing.

This podcast was sponsored by Pyrex, giantboxofdildosstraighttoyourass.com and The Wonder Awesome Drug Company. Because Everybody needs more of all of those things.

News articles in this episode:

Gujarat Man Seals Private Parts Using Adhesive Instead of Condom During Intercourse, Dies

Our featured image for the seeing-impaired

A man flexes his impressive appendage and charges the room with sexual energy. Elsewhere, he has a large box for a head, exploding with dildos. There are orange dildos, green dildos, purple dildos, blue dildos, and even flesh-colored dildos. One can assume the box contains many more dildos due to its vertical stature. On the front of the label, you are emasculated by the dare to buy your own giant box of dildos, and to fill out the order form with the most turgid object on your body. Giantboxofdildosstraighttoyourass.com has thrown down the mint-flavored, lubricated gauntlet ribbed for her pleasure. Will you answer the challenge?

“Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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The post Mailbox Yeast Infection first appeared on Aural Malpractice.

Ski Korea*

Dr. Chris and Dr. Tom ring out the old year with more critical, sleep-inducing insight. Dr. Tom shares some news, revealing that the best place to learn how to seduce an alligator for the low, low cost of $250 is in Florida. Dr. Chris rails against public education and sloppy parenthood alike in Georgia when he shares the story of a 21-year-old high school student with a gun. Dr. Tom can’t be trusted to cook eggs. The doctors sing praises to the glorious and not at all crappily volatile nation of North Korea and their new tourism campaign, interestingly enough only a few days before the Sony Pictures debacle. Dr. Tom hosts another episode of ‘What’s worse?’ and we learn that Chris would much rather seduce a member of the supreme court than an alligator. What a patriot! Ralph Macchio has been a little quiet, so Dr. Chris checks his Twitter and verifies he’s not dead. Dr. Tom shares a single, lonely poem about farts and then a seasonal warning to all that enjoy their time on the ski slopes. The doctors close this episode with one final question: what would you do with 1.1 trillion dollars?

*This podcast has not been approved for listening by the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea or our glorious president of Earth, Kim Jong Un, praise be unto him.

Ralph Macchio news:

HE’S STILL ALIVE!!!!

News articles in this episode:

Gator Whisperer Goes to Jail

21 Year Old High School Student Jailed for Having Gun on Campus

North Korea Launches Bizarre Tourism Website

 “Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/


The post Ski Korea* first appeared on Aural Malpractice.

1,499 Walken Zoppitybop-bop-bop

Dr. Chris and Dr. Tom return to the toilets of malpractice and gruntingly squeeze out another episode. Within the depths of the podcasting gutter, Dr. Tom shares a few important news blurbs. Then, Dr. Chris re-lives some childhood trauma about bees as his personal philosophies are uncomfortably probed. In the spirit of teamwork, everyone agrees that old ladies are easy to punch in the face. Dr. Jacoby explains how TV is turning your children into an army of Manchurian Candidates. In useless celebrity news, we learn about Ralph Macchio’s new movie… and that Christopher Walken can still freak out just about anybody. Then Dr. Tom lets rip with a few fart haikus before they finally pinch this one off. See you next time!

Ralph Macchio News
A Little Game – IMDB

News articles in this episode:
Woman Wearing ‘I Love Crystal Meth’ Shirt Busted for Crystal Meth

Beezow Doo-doo Zoppitybop-bop-bop Arrested

Yellow Jacket Swarm Claims Sarasota Man’s Life

  “Theme for Harold (var. 3)” and other songs by
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/